Chapter 3
Better by choice
To recap, our lives are made better by the animals we love, particularly by those with whom we share a close bond, the special ones. When we let them, they change everything because they help us get back to feeling good, and that opens the door to all manner of possibilities!
For many of us, these moments are only occasional and fleeting…
However, for many (perhaps even most) of us, these moments of brightness — this wonderfully expansive feeling of love and clarity, peace and power, when we relax and smile and feel ourselves to be part of the whole universe — are only occasional and fleeting.
In our busy lives of endless demands and distractions, we all too often ignore these beautiful moments. We quickly dismiss them or rush on past them as our scattered mind grasps onto something more “important” or urgent or otherwise compelling. And all too often, we miss these moments altogether.
We can choose to cultivate these moments,
to look for them and revel in them.
But once we realize their importance, their tremendous power and their practical value to us, we can choose to cultivate these moments — to look for them and revel in them, as often and for as long as we can.
We can start by simply noticing when we feel good, and remind ourselves of the power and value of this state of mind (and body). We can then savor the feeling, letting it linger for as long as we can before our well-practiced habits of thought intrude and rob us of that lovely, lively peace we feel when we're in that wonderful state.
As we linger, we can let ourselves slow down for awhile, and come to some much-needed rest and relaxation, as we contemplate what it is that we want to do next. When we have a question we need answered or a decision to make, big or small, we can deliberately use the time we spend with our animals to help us get back to feeling good. Then ask, then decide, and then act.
...
Getting unstuck.
In meditation recently, I pondered what, for me, is a recurring problem: how to get unstuck. Because when I'm really stuck, in a perpetual state of anxiety or depression, or even just the blander versions of worry or boredom, the doldrums, it doesn't seem as though I have any choice in the matter at all. I just feel trapped, stuck, unable to move in any direction. I still have some deeply ingrained beliefs that keep tripping me up; and seemingly without warning, they grab hold of me and hang on like grim death. I wanted to know how to free myself when I'm in that state, struggling in vain to break free.
Here is one strategy that works for me.
I begin by acknowledging that I'm stuck on a restricting thought, a limiting belief, something I don't want (circumstance, feeling, whatever) — and that I want to be unstuck. In other words, I express my preference to be free. There's no need to analyze it, debate it, or examine its origins. It's enough to acknowledge that I want to be unstuck, to be free. In fact, by focusing on the problem, it's all I see; any solution is obscured, unavailable to me.
Next, I direct my attention to the little bit of space that opens up around that sticky stuckness. Simply by focusing my attention on being unstuck (to what I do want), I'm a little less stuck. Simply by metaphorically turning your head a little, you change your view; what you see changes. That little bit of space around the stuckness was always there; I just couldn't see it when all of my focus was on what I don't like, on what I don't want.
From there, it's simply a matter of focusing more of my attention on what I do want and to start savoring some aspect of it that really appeals or that is easiest for me to appreciate about it. Then I suck the proverbial marrow out of it; really enjoy the flavor of it, to stick with the marrow metaphor. In this way, I'm letting my attention shift from the thing I don't want, on which I was so stuck, to the thing I do want instead.
Admittedly, it takes some practice, because the habit of focusing so intently on what I don't like or don't want is so strong. That habit is still my default setting, so I still need to keep noticing when I'm stuck and taking these deliberate steps to get unstuck. Letting go is effortless when I shift my attention away from the thing I don't want onto something I do want.
In effect, I'm changing the thing my mind is grabbing onto. When my mind is spasming — or so it feels, clenched with a vicelike grip — around some unwanted thing, particularly when it's a worrisome or fear-inducing thing, no amount of determination or urging or straining or wriggling or struggling or desire to let go can get my mind to let go. That's because my entire focus, all of my attention, is grabbing onto that thing, even though I don't like it and I really don't want it. So, the key is to shift my focus onto something or some aspect of the present situation that I do want.
One might call this 'the law of attention': whatever I give my attention to is what I experience foremost. That's not to say that other things aren't happening or present at the same time; they are. Everything — good, bad; wanted, unwanted — is present in this, and every, moment. It's all about where, on what, I give my attention. Because it is a choice.
So, little by little, I shift my attention away from what I don't want, to what I do want; from a No to a Yes! Over time, it becomes easier to do, and less of a big deal, as I catch my focus early enough that big shifts are seldom necessary, even with the “big ticket” items, the things that always trip me up and mess me up. And over time, I become focused on what I do want more of the time. That's when great things start to happen.
Miss Lilly made me feel a little better,
and from there a little better, and a little better still…
I know from long experience that this works, because even before I knew all this, I was inadvertently practicing it a bit, thanks to Miss Lilly. When I felt good already, she could make me feel great as she wheedled me into playing one of her favorite games or going for a walk together. I could never go from feeling bad (depressed or angry or frustrated or disheartened) to feeling good in the blink of an eye. But Miss Lilly seldom failed to make me feel a little better, if only for her benefit, and from there a little better and a little better, and a little better still. Before I knew it, we were outside playing or taking a walk or doing something else she loved.
Because I loved her and I wanted her to be happy, I generally gave her my attention when she asked for it — and that did us both good. Every degree of improvement in my state of mind was good for me, and it was good for her.
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